the space between
I’ve never done this before. And by this, I mean write about someone, or my relationship with someone, and expose some of the vulnerability in doing so. But, in honor of Valentine’s Day (a rather arbitrary holiday I know, but still one that reminds us of love and relationships and gooey things - and one I admittedly quite enjoy) and the fact that some of you have been asking me to - I want to share some thoughts and feelings from a place a little different than the norm. I hope maybe it’ll bring comfort or encouragement to some of you in some way, and if not, at the very least, relative enjoyment.
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Long distance. Oof. It’s a hard couple of words to say - an even harder thing perhaps to do. In everyday conversation I rarely hear these words said aloud without some sort of dread or negativity around them, usually by the most well-intentioned people. I mean, I get it, I’m seeing someone who is a solid four thousand miles from me, a six hour time difference, oh, and I can’t actually talk to him at all, other than through written letters which take weeks to arrive. So yes, it’s a rather strange and tough season for this heart of mine, and I’m sure his too. It’s so strange not to get to talk to someone who is going through such immense physical, emotional, mental strain being in Army Basic Training. It’s weird to have up and moved your entire life to another continent and into another culture and language and not get to talk through all that with someone you so desperately want to. Not to mention being in the city of r o m a n c e. It’s all a constant reminder of that achey lonely feeling that catches me when I least expect.
But - however tricky & sometimes unpleasant the situation may sometimes be - I’m not here to complain. Because I think there are some beautiful things to be found in our effort to close gaps - in the space between.
[communication] I haven’t heard his voice since he left almost two months ago. He and I have been in communication exclusively through letters, which yes, sounds abundantly romantic, but in reality is tough. Our letters keep crossing in the mail, so he will often be responding to something I said weeks ago, having just received my letters, while I’ll be asking questions about things he tends to answer after I’ve already asked them. The first letter he sent to Paris (the only one that has come straight to me, instead of through a photo being sent by family) took eleven days to arrive. It’s a complicated thing.
But I think there is something special about sitting down to write, forcing myself to pause and pour out, more than just a simple text saying “hello” or “how are you” - a letter has to cover different things. We tell stories, I send photos, and instead of a short text to connect us in a day, we cover richly what is going on in a full week. We go in depth about how we feel & what is going on, instead of skating the surface.
And so, I have found myself having to learn to speak in new ways, to take note of things I perhaps wouldn’t have before, to keep ears and eyes out for funny anecdotes to brighten his day. He tells us in every letter that each one is his only way to access the outside world, and they are his main encouragement to keep moving. When communication means so much, you learn that there is importance in intentionality, and dedication in delivery. I am wildly excited for the way we’ll communicate when we can speak again, and I hope that this time will have cultivated in us a new adherence to thoughtful articulation.
[encouragement] In the space I’ve had a lot of time to think. Some days the thought process is prettier than others, and some days I’m a pity party of one.
But then I think - the Army is no small thing. Dedication to a life of service and being away from everything you know is a big call to make, one that comes with many a sacrifice. In his case, he was giving up a thriving company he’d started, coaching a track team he loved, a warm state, solid community, and being near to family. In this exchange of comfort for courage, I watched him walk humbly into something many would never do. And as I come back to that when the days are particularly hard and all I want to do is be near, I think about how much I appreciate him for being willing to do the hard things. And the fact that hard things are called hard things for a reason.
He has been exceptionally optimistic in the face of all that he is going though over there - from pushups in the snow/negative degree temps, to having to exit a room with chemical gas released inside, climbing 40 foot walls, and so on. I am undoubtedly encouraged by his bravery and perseverance. So much so that I feel like I have no excuse to not continue on in the face of the things that are thrown my way too.
[appreciation] I think maybe distance does this in general, but being away from someone really makes you appreciate the little things. Something that has been surprising and sweet is that I have an incredible new appreciation that has grown so big.
Seemingly meaningless moments we had together have now become moments that I call upon when I feel far. Little things done or said that I took for granted then, mean the world now. And I think when reunion (finally) happens, those little things will not go unnoticed or under-appreciated anymore. The hand held, the wink given, the date on the beach. All the things once commonplace are now things I’d trade anything to have right now, and I pray that this appreciation for the little & mundane are carried into the future as well. The “I miss you” or “I carry your photo in my uniform”(yeah I know, how cute is that?) at the end of a letter, make my heart sing for days. These are small things that make big impact - and maybe that says something about the way we should operate in relationships as a whole. That the simple can and should be altogether spectacular. That little things can be lovely too.
And with that, concludes my first attempt to put into words what this season has been doing to my heart. I have so much more I could (and maybe will) say. But I hope that for those of you in distanced relationships, or maybe in any relationship, you can see and appreciate the gems we find when we have to close gaps. There is so much treasure hidden in that space.
** SHOUTOUT to all of you military family and significant others who have done this way longer - you all are A M A Z I N G.
