21.

I woke up this morning feeling the same. This came as somewhat of a disappointment, as I tend to hype up my birthday as a day where I wake up feeling new, changed, another year wiser - just all around better than I was in the hours prior. Although this has rarely been the case for the majority of the past 21 years, I still get hopeful every year that it will be different.

Maybe that’s the problem though. Maybe we tend to see change and renewal as only when a new year rolls around, a new birthday, a new calendar year, a new semester. And maybe this is what prevents us (or me, at least) from making change and renewal and redemption and growth a reality. I am renewed each day by the love of Christ. I am met with new mercies each morning. Yet I rarely let this renewal wash over me unless it’s a new year or season.

The reality is, this year has changed me. I am different than I was a year ago. But that transformation has not come in an instant, it has come in moments.

Around this time last year, I was preparing to lead a team of college students to Berlin, to work amongst refugees and women who were being trafficked into the city. I remember thinking I should feel terrified, but instead, I was so incredibly at peace that the feeling of peace in itself terrified me. That trip tested my limits and everything I had ever known about leadership. It taught me the value in leading with vulnerability, and the necessity of teamwork.

This past August I moved across the country to New York, where I knew approximately three people. Again, though, that same supernatural peace covered me as soon as the plane landed in the city. My heart seemed to settle into the seemingly impossible familiarity of a city it had only been to a few times, but had already made its home in. This city has taught me about empathy. It has taught me about the beauty in diversity. It has taught me that a busy schedule is a full schedule, but a productive schedule is a fruitful schedule.

When we started [gather], that first event, I should have been frantic, but peace came and made itself known in the room. That same peace in what we are stewarding carries me and the team through our vision casting and dreaming and planning and building and it is the most beautiful thing to watch. [gather] has taught me about dreaming big and making plans and being faithful and laboring with a grateful heart in what He has given me. It is so easy to complain about the workload and the to-do’s and so easy to forget why we do any of this to begin with.

Among these things, I also got out of a long-term relationship (which taught me about loving another broken human, about healing, about sacrifice), made an entirely new group of friends (which taught me about the importance of community and having people to cheer you on and lift you up), had to live with people I had never met (which taught me about grace - and cleaning), have interviewed ambassadors (which taught me about diplomacy and how large our world really is), started leading worship and a small group (leadership and walking in light), served on student council (commitment), and wrapped up a life-changing internship (ministry and empathy and building).

So maybe the hope and prayer for this year, won’t be that I am suddenly and wildly different, but rather that I would be patient and peaceful and gracious in the change that will come in this time. In this new year of being an age where everything becomes suddenly accessible in a way it never has been before, I don’t feel I need big, flashy, changes in my life. More opportunities to serve and lead and be light, yes, but more than anything, I want the change to be in this heart. I want the change this year to be in making me more kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving (Ephesians 4:32). Completely humble and gentle and patient (Eph. 4:2). As Max Lucado puts it, I want God’s priorities to govern my actions, his passions to drive my decisions, his love to direct my behavior.

Circumstances will always change, I have no doubt that this year will bring more incredible opportunities and experiences. But a changed heart, a passionate, peaceful, pleasant, faithful, kind, tender heart, is lasting. Here's to 21.