loss, learnings, & lessons from 2020
We all feel it, the heavy sigh of recognition at the way this year has bent and broken us, pushed and played us, taught and tested us. In one way or another, no one has abstained from some kind of pain this year. Our country faced a reckoning, with its own history and the still-functioning prejudice that poisons a population, with injustice at some of the highest levels. We learned about isolation and retreat, foreign concepts to a world that sees big as better, especially when it comes to busyness and gatherings and company size and power. We were united in the commonality of something, a threat no person on Earth was entirely untouched by, and I think about how wild it is that the entire population faced something together. That is no small thing. And while part of me wants to sit only in the grief and complaint of it all, I don’t believe this is any way to end one year and start another. And even amidst a year of collective tragedy and defeat, there was victory and joy.
For once, as I look at the list of intentions I set at the beginning of last year, I realize I actually had the time and space to accomplish nearly everything on that list. Circumstantially, I graduated NYU and got a job working in the justice space for the US government, which feels wild and surreal even a few months in. I saw our organization become a non-profit, launch a podcast, host events, and saw our team triple in size since its founding. I met a boy coming off a train who has quickly become one of the best people I know and one of the most dear to me. We began a relationship that has challenged me, inspired my faith, and taught me about the tangible goodness of God. I made new friends who I now can’t imagine life without. There has been an undeniable sweetness to this year that I did not expect, but there has also been no shortage of deep pain running along the same set of train tracks.
Part of me feels rather guilty for acknowledging the good that has come of this year. But I also am learning that things are rarely black and white, all good or all bad. When we categorize, usually as a form of self protection, we lose the nuance that situations or people may hold. This year, these feats, this relationship, has been glorious highs and excruciating lows, forcing it to sit somewhat uncomfortably in the middle of two seats.
I am grateful for the fruit and the favor of this year. The lessons and losses.
I took some time to write out the key things I have learned this year, because a year like this is not meant to be forgotten. For as much as we want to leave it in the dust, these ways that we have been bent and bruised, how we’ve learned to yearn for hope and be healed - that is not something to quickly forget. It is something to grab ahold of and take into this next year. When life dips and depresses, we will be no strangers to coping (and even thriving) amidst the pain.
Joy is mine to protect. It can only be stolen if I have give someone underserved access to the safe in which it is kept.
Life is draining, be a river.
Love is not a fairytale, but gosh is it a beautiful story.
Faith over feelings is an incredibly fruitful trade-off.
No matter how good my argument, or how sharp my weapons are, God will always be a better defender of me.
Letting go and losing are two very different things.
Prejudice begins at the end of our empathy.
We will not always know how things will play out - but that isn’t our job anyway. Our job is to do the best we can with what we have in our hands right now.
Rest is a place to live from, not the place we drag ourselves to when we can’t run anymore.
The best things are often unexpected, which proves that God can do better than our plans anyway.
The same way we have to let physical injury have the time to heal so that we can move fully, we have to let emotional injury heal so we can love fully.
Solitude and loneliness are different. One is plentiful and one is painful. Recognize where you are.
Honesty is the only way towards healing - secrecy steals.
An insecurity stirred up in you by someone, vs. an issue between you and someone else, are two entirely different things. If we don’t notice this distinction, we can so easily ruin a good thing.
God is no foreigner in the land of your pain.
Emotions are great indicators but horrible captains.
Authenticity is today’s currency.
Success only solidifies the character we already have.
Isolation is opportunity for deeper communion with God.
Most of the time, it’s not about being ready, but about being willing and able. And the only way to close the gap between where you are and where you want to be is to start.
Setting aside pride in order to understand is one of the greatest things you can do for someone else.
Resurrection is always a greater miracle than healing. Don’t lose faith when things die, it might be that God wants to show you that death to life is actually better than good to better.
You are often the only thing in your way.