2022.
For the first time in at least a few years, I don’t feel as though I am concluding the year in a cloud of disappointment. Most years, I have sat on the beach, as I do to end and begin the new year, to reflect on the things that I had to let go of, the things that were taken, that didn’t turn out the way I though they would. This of course is mixed in with the sweetness of the good in that year — but it is most typically outweighed.
This year though, as I sat and watched the sun sparkle on the waves from my perch atop a hill of sand, all I could think about is the good. This year has been undeniably sweet. Not every moment has been easy, and actually this year held a lot of waiting, wrestling, painful healing, praying for things to come to pass.
But what I see in this garden is fruit.
In the early months of the year, nothing felt stable. I was in an apartment that I wasn’t allowed to stay in for the full year, an apartment I loved for the way the sun tumbled through the windows, and danced across our hardwood floors and marble countertops. It was a space of many gatherings, of quiet mornings in the heart of Brooklyn, above some of my favorite people in the city. A space I mourned at the same time I rejoiced.
I didn’t know where I’d live or how I’d ever find a space I loved more or as much — until, mere weeks before I had to move, some of my close friends needed a new roommate — in the part of the city I loved most. The part of the city I walked every week to pray. The part of the city where the most of my community was. An apartment in the heart of the West Village with sun that tumbles in through the windows.
From February to November, I applied to over 100 jobs. I knew I wanted to leave my current job, feeling out of place and burnt out, and with an impending move date to DC looming mid-November. Nothing came through. I’d move to the next round of a job, and then abruptly be notified I was taken out of the running. Over and over again. Hopes up, hope deferred. Hopes up, hope deferred.
And then, in August, I was offered the opportunity to direct and produce films at our church — a job I’d long since desired, and wanted to try my hand in. I wrote, directed, and produced my first 20 minute film, the product of much love and hard work and sleepless nights. A product I am so wildly proud of.
Come November, two weeks before I was to move to DC, I got a job offer, for a role I didn’t even apply for, well above what I was qualified for, but that I was entrusted because they saw something in me. I now work in an industry I could have only dreamt about, and God had heart those dreams and cries all along.
I would never have had the time to produce, to grow [gather] in the way it’s grown this year, had everything not happened in the timing it did. Those things that happened in the seasons they did were the things that won me my new job.
At the beginning of this year, my heart was achey. I was confused and unsettled at the status of my current relationship, navigating up and down and back and forth of someone I admired greatly, but couldn’t find stability with.
I sensed God asking me to be alone with Him, to come take refuge in His presence, instead of man. So I rested, and waiting and said no to what was hard to say no to. I fought and wrestled and healed the heavy things — though I know there are more.
And along came the most healthy and beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced.one that has taught me patient, steadfast love in an entirely new way. One that has changed my life and heart for the better.
God is the God of good things. He, in his sovereign timing, knows far more than we ever will. He sees the book written out in its entirety, while we have mere pages and think we know better.
This year has deepened my trust, widened my appreciation, and blown the lid off my expectations and human longings. He is good.
Here are some lessons from the year:
What is being done in you as you wait for what you pray for — is many times more important than what you’re waiting for
You will not default to a place you’ve never been, especially when you’re in pain — carve the roads you want to go down
You can admire from afar — you can only love from up close
Generosity will often get you more than what you give
The fruit of your prayers isn’t just to feed yourself
Not getting enough sleep is the cause of a lot of the issues in life
Delight is a choice
When envy comes — produce encouragement instead
(Good) community changes everything
Being still will get you farther than you think
Rest is worship
Blessings can become burdens when they aren’t carried correctly
Invest in what will last — this goes for clothes, relationships, material, and dreams
“I am allowed to do anything, but not everything is beneficial.” — 1 Corinthians 10:23 — this will change your life, and the way you make decisions
The same wave that overwhelms the swimmer, elicits joy for the surfer — challenge is all about perspective
Let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no
You can say a lot without speaking
There’s no room for faith in your life if you always have a plan
Letting go and losing are two very different things
Doing a little is better than doing nothing
Timing is everything
God is no foreigner in the land of your pain
