25.

at the start of last year, my golden — 24 on the 24th of April — I felt hopeful. I had thought it would be the sparkly kind of golden, the kind that catches the light, valuable and beautiful and esteemed. in many ways however, this year was one that was hard and painful, things broken off and broken down and lost, heavy emotions and deep hurt. I was on the move for most of it, seeing new sights, breathing in the atmosphere of new area. for the latter part of the year, I didn’t spend more than a week and a half in one place. I did a lot of travel alone, spending more time with myself and my own thoughts than ever before. but while it was beautiful and wild and adventurous, I was carrying a broken and tired heart along with my little pink suitcase, and when back in the City, life didn’t always feel sparkly and good. that’s the thing about life though, it can be beautiful and momentous, right up against painful and hard. they run along the parallel sides of the same track. 

all that to say, as I looked back on this year, I started to get frustrated — this year didn’t feel sparkly at all. it wasn’t shiny and brilliant and full of gold-medal-type wins the way that the golden year seemed to promise. 

then, a few days ago, I came across an article about the processes by which gold is refined. gold straight from the mine doesn’t exist in its pure form naturally, it actually has to be removed of its impurities if it can be used. the means by which are pretty extreme — you typically refine gold through acid or fire. 

and suddenly, it all made sense. the extraction was only step one of the process. God pulling out the gold in my life, identifying what He wanted to use in me, was simply step one. then, He had to purify it all. this year was golden indeed, but to sparkle I guess sometimes we have to suffer first.

through acid, impurities are dissolved. gold is put in an acidic solution that separates the gold material from what isn’t. solutions and situations I was put into, separated the truth from the wrong, forcing me to figure out what I really believed, who I really was, and who I wasn’t. the good in me, set apart from the not-so-good.

through fire, gold is put in a crucible and heated to incredibly high temperatures. the pure gold melts, the impurities are left floating, and it is transferred to another container. the trial and heat and pressure and heartbreak and high stakes places, was heat to force out of me what wasn’t gold at all, so that what was could remain.

and now, I am still not perfect. there are impurities and things that are to be worked and refined out of me. But I am far more sparkly than I was, I have healed in many ways, leaving behind patterns and mindsets that have previously kept me in shackles. I am more joyful than ever, more patient than I once was, and more understanding of this thing we call grace. I feel wildly grateful, and that gratitude colors everything else. 

I found words I had written exactly a year ago, right around last year’s birthday, and as it turns out, I’d been sensing what was to come this year even then. I knew, somewhere in me, that this year would be painful, and yet, so full of promise — 

“now, I find myself in a season of extraction and refining yet again, even more painful than the last. There are some deeply hidden things, insecurities, beliefs, patterns, that can no longer stay in the cave. called forth and brought to life, I am realizing they are much better in God’s seasoned hands. it’s a painful process, but the gold in the end will be well worth it.”

now, standing on the precipice of a new year of life, I realize that my prayer for a golden year was answered in that gold is only purified through trial, through hard situations. how can we expect that any sort of bad or unhealthy will just disappear if there is nothing there that reveals how important it is that it must go?

that gratitude even extends to the trial, to the refining, to the God who knows better than I do what I need and what I don’t. who loves me far too much to remain with things that hinder me from sparkling. 

so, here’s to 25. a year more wild and free than the last, gratitude in every breath, and a new depth to the relationships I hold dear. more travel, a relentless pursuit of growth, an expansion of creativity and opportunities for hospitality. deeper and faster surrender to the God who can do far better than I can with anything I have, more intentionality in everything I do.  a generosity to my encouragement of others, and all the other things I get to freely give - grace and forgiveness and service - would it all flow like a river. 

my prayer for this year is for depth and for healing. to carry the joy I feel now throughout the rest of my year. to inspire and impact, to let life inspire me more than it already does.